Battle of the Bald
about the time I landed in my forties, my hair began to vanish (yes, that's me to the right
not so long ago). I do not have trouble growing hair. But location is
everything with hair. I am like a struggling oil company. I have great
production, but poor distribution.
If youíre one of those guys who still has his original hair, go ahead
and laugh. But if youíre experiencing a recession yourself, if youíve been
cluttering pillows and clogging drains, if youíve stopped combing and started
rearranging, youíll be happy to know that there is hope. I canít think of
anything hopeful at the moment, but give me some time and Iíll think of
something. While I do, letís look at some ways in which the scientific
community, working hand-in-hand with laboratory rats, has shown us just how
bleak the picture really is.
1. Genes. Scientists recently announced that they have discovered
the gene that causes baldness. Unfortunately, they havenít a clue what to do
2. Drugs. If you were alive during the Ď60s, you know that drugs
taken in large quantities helped men forget many things, including their
baldness. But this was momentary and, letís face it, the side-effects were
monstrous. Researchers now claim, however, that they have found a proven
hair-growing drug. Itís called Minoxidol and it has been known to work on
various objects. Fruit. Wood. Snooker balls. Unfortunately, it has been largely
ineffective in men.
3. Music. After years of research and very little success, the
Daiichi Pharmaceutical Company, a leading Japanese drug maker, decided to make
wads and wads of money by releasing a compact disc of Mozart music. Yes, believe
it or not, the CDs are now marketed exclusively through pharmacies. Daiichi
Pharmaceutical claims that the music will soothe the listener, relieve stress
and even reverse the balding process. Iím not sure about this, but they may be
on to something here. You see, during high school I conducted similar
experiments on my father in which I played loud music for him. This caused his
head to appear hairier.
tips to try at home:
Relocate. Yes, you may want to move to another province where no
one will recognize you; where no one will know that you once had hair. Wait a
minute, thatís not what I mean. What I mean is relocate your hair. Move it
from an area where it thrives to The Dead Zone.
Innovate. The most popular technique is to grow your hair very
long on one side and comb it carefully over the deceased area. If you have false
teeth to go along with it, you can scare the living daylights out of your
grandchildren during a windstorm. Or wear a hat everywhere. If this fails, grow
your eyebrows to their full length and comb them back. Let me know how this
If all these things should fail, perhaps you can try a concept as old as
the Bible: contentment. I was standing in the parking lot the other day.
My hair was blowing in the breeze, and I didnít have the energy to chase after
it. Suddenly, a comforting thought hit me: Our heads were made for more than
When it comes right down to it, we determine very little of what goes on
above the hairline. But we can do something about what goes on beneath it.
Second Corinthians 4:16 says it best: ď...Though outwardly we are wasting
away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.Ē
I need to be reminded of these things often. Yesterday I looked in the
mirror and told my wife, ďHoney, I donít look forty-six.Ē She said, ďNo,
but you used to.Ē