You'll love Phil's look at life as a
guy. These 24 chapters are filled with rollicking good humor and
refreshing honesty that uncovers the mischief, failures, dreams, and
temptations of life as a Christian guy. NBA Chaplain Joel Freeman
writes: “Finally, a book of stories any guy can relate to. Phil
Callaway is what you’d get if you tampered with the genes of
Garrison Keillor, Dave Barry, and my fourth grade Sunday School
teacher." Here's a sample...
Real Guy Quiz
you, dear God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it
enough. Thank you for the rain. And for the chance to wake up in three
hours and go fishing: I thank you for that now, because I won’t feel
so thankful then.
FOLLOWING QUIZ IS DESIGNED TO ASSIST YOU in determining whether or not
you qualify as a Real Guy. It is not to be confused with other tests,
such as the Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis which was used on the
author in its developmental stages (the test’s). Please answer the
following questions honestly, bearing in mind that while you may not
necessarily be graded on your answers, it would be a nice gesture if
you phoned Mrs. Bittleston, your fourth grade Sunday school teacher,
and informed her of the results.
this quiz should not be used for friendly wagering or as ammunition
during petty disagreements.)
Its Saturday morning. Your wife just asked you to move some furniture.
Your best friend just called with free passes to the golf course. You
Say, “Honey, I helped you move the chickened sofa in the middle of
the night last Thursday, my back has not been the same since, and I
will be glad to help you just as soon as wolverines become popular
Tell your wife you’ve just received an urgent call from your pastor
who is stranded in his ‘68 Oldsmobile on the interstate.
You are attending your son’s little league championship. The score
is 4-3 for the opposition. It’s the bottom of the ninth; there are
two outs, runners on the corners, and your son Billy is up to bat.
Wish you were at home whipping up a soufflé.
Shout words of encouragement. Words like: “Duck, Billy, duck!”
Hurl peanuts at the pitcher, then blame small children around you.
Your 14-year-old daughter asks if she can go on a date. You:
Explain to her that open communication, trust, dependability, and good
character are the determining factors in such a decision; that when
she shows all of these characteristics simultaneously and is mature
enough to set an example for her little sister Helga she will be
permitted to take part in group dating, followed by double dating,
both of which will prepare her for the responsibility of single couple
dating at a later time—when she is approximately 30.
Say, “Ask your mother.”
Install land mines in the front yard.
Sunday morning has arrived, but your wife has not. She is still moving
about the house checking on appliances—in spite of the fact that you
are once again late for church. While you wait in the car with the
children, you decide to:
Return to the house and ask with sincerity, “Is there anything I can
do to help you, Dear? I know I traumatized you this morning by
bringing breakfast in bed a little late. I certainly do apologize.”
Leave without her.
Return to the house and start World War III.
Go over the kids memory verses with them and somehow resist the urge
Your wife finally made it to the car, your faith in the miraculous is
restored, and you
on your way to Grace Community Church. Suddenly, while you are making
a crucial left turn, a Presbyterian brother noses in front of you with
his ‘78 green Camaro and CUTS YOU OFF. It’s time to:
Recognize this as one of those rare opportunities life’s classroom
affords you to calmly demonstrate to the next generation that decency,
brotherhood and self control are not only admirable, but attainable
Follow him to the First Presbyterian parking lot and stuff a potato in
his exhaust pipe.
Somehow find a way to blame your wife.
Go ahead and honk.
You are on your way home from the service, and your 8-year-old asks
you why, if Solomon was so wise, did he have so many wives. You:
Go into a lengthy explanation of the cultural differences between
ancient Israel and modern America, pointing out that many of the wives
were merely tokens of the official policy of friendship and
subservience between kingdoms and that they may have been married
without ever seeing each other.
Look for a green Camaro.
Say, “Ask your mother.”
Admit that you don’t have all the answers. But when you get home
you’re going to look into this one. Together.
After 13 agonizing years, you have finally reached the Annual Mixed
Slow Pitch Church Softball Final. The rules require a minimum of 2
women to be on the field at all times. Five have shown up. You, the
captain, decide to:
Sit on the bench, realizing that there are far more important things
than baseball, that this could be a character-building event for all,
and that each person should be treated as an equal, regardless of
petty things like gender.
Hide their gloves.
Put three girls on the bench, the fourth at catcher, and the fifth at
second base where three guys can rescue her should something awful
occur such as a ball being hit in her direction.
Volunteer to sit on the bench and hope like crazy that one of the
girls says something.
You are on your knees giving thanks for the new purchase, a late model
minivan, complete with compact disk. The phone rings. It is your
18-year-old son calling from Biff’s Auto Repair to tell you that he
has totalled the van. It’s time to:
Total the telephone.
Ask if the CD player still works.
Ask if the other vehicle was a green Camaro.
Ask your son if he’s okay.
If asked, you would describe yourself as:
Witty yet articulate, intelligent yet vulnerable, a good listener, a
good shopper, able to follow recipes, comfortable tossing salads,
comfortable in my numerous roles.
Able to bag a deer at two hundred yards.
Able to bag a deer at two hundred yards. Blindfolded. With a blow gun.
Your life verse is:
Psalm 119:99, “I have more understanding than all my teachers.”
I Corinthians 9:27, “I buffet my body...,” something you have been
doing for years now at fine restaurants everywhere.
I Timothy 2:11, “A woman should learn in quietness and full
Matthew 22:37, “...Love the Lord your God with all your heart and
with all your soul and with all your mind...and...your neighbor as
A friend confides in you that he has been tempted and has succumbed to
the lure of pornography. You:
Tell him it’s no big deal, then change the subject.
Tell him you’re stunned, smack him with your Bible, then leave the
Tell him about your great uncle Hank who went blind from this.
Tell him your own story of failure and how you’re finding help and
Your son Billy just hit a three-run homer to win the Little League
Championship. This is remarkable considering that you don’t even
have a son named Billy. But if you did, and he hit the game winner,
Console opposing team parents by patting their backs and saying,
“Hey, second place isn’t all that bad.”
Congratulate the umpire on FINALLY calling a good game.
Run onto the field screaming, “That’s my kid! That’s my kid!”
First of all, you have to be willing to give 110 percent. Then you
take a pass at the thirty yard line, hurdle the linebacker, run like
crazy, lunge over the goal line, then go completely nuts. Uh oh, sorry
there. Sometimes I get carried away. Seriously, give yourself one
point for each time you picked “d,” deduct one point for each time
you answered “c,” and add one quarter of a point for each “b”
answer. If you are left with anything at all, this is usually a good
sign. Please keep in mind that:
If there seems to be a discrepancy, you should determine the source of
your error, then do a recount keeping in mind that while errors in
counting are understandable, they are rare and could severely distort
This quiz should not be used as a substitute or an excuse.
If you have taken the scoring process extremely seriously, this could
seriously jeopardize your enjoyment of the rest of this book.
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