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You'll love Phil's look at life as a guy. These 24 chapters are filled with rollicking good humor and refreshing honesty that uncovers the mischief, failures, dreams, and temptations of life as a Christian guy. NBA Chaplain Joel Freeman writes: “Finally, a book of stories any guy can relate to. Phil Callaway is what you’d get if you tampered with the genes of Garrison Keillor, Dave Barry, and my fourth grade Sunday School teacher." Here's a sample...

The Real Guy Quiz

Thank you, dear God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough. Thank you for the rain. And for the chance to wake up in three hours and go fishing: I thank you for that now, because I won’t feel so thankful then. - Garrison Keillor

THE FOLLOWING QUIZ IS DESIGNED TO ASSIST YOU in determining whether or not you qualify as a Real Guy. It is not to be confused with other tests, such as the Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis which was used on the author in its developmental stages (the test’s). Please answer the following questions honestly, bearing in mind that while you may not necessarily be graded on your answers, it would be a nice gesture if you phoned Mrs. Bittleston, your fourth grade Sunday school teacher, and informed her of the results.

(IMPORTANT: this quiz should not be used for friendly wagering or as ammunition during petty disagreements.)

1. Its Saturday morning. Your wife just asked you to move some furniture. Your best friend just called with free passes to the golf course. You will:

a. Move furniture.

b. Say, “Honey, I helped you move the chickened sofa in the middle of the night last Thursday, my back has not been the same since, and I will be glad to help you just as soon as wolverines become popular house pets.”

c. Tell your wife you’ve just received an urgent call from your pastor who is stranded in his ‘68 Oldsmobile on the interstate.

d. Negotiate.

 

2. You are attending your son’s little league championship. The score is 4-3 for the opposition. It’s the bottom of the ninth; there are two outs, runners on the corners, and your son Billy is up to bat. You:

a. Wish you were at home whipping up a soufflé.

b. Shout words of encouragement. Words like: “Duck, Billy, duck!”

c. Hurl peanuts at the pitcher, then blame small children around you.

d. Pray.

 

3. Your 14-year-old daughter asks if she can go on a date. You:

a. Explain to her that open communication, trust, dependability, and good character are the determining factors in such a decision; that when she shows all of these characteristics simultaneously and is mature enough to set an example for her little sister Helga she will be permitted to take part in group dating, followed by double dating, both of which will prepare her for the responsibility of single couple dating at a later time—when she is approximately 30.

b. Laugh uncontrollably.

c. Say, “Ask your mother.”

d. Install land mines in the front yard.

 

4. Sunday morning has arrived, but your wife has not. She is still moving about the house checking on appliances—in spite of the fact that you are once again late for church. While you wait in the car with the children, you decide to:

a. Return to the house and ask with sincerity, “Is there anything I can do to help you, Dear? I know I traumatized you this morning by bringing breakfast in bed a little late. I certainly do apologize.”

b. Leave without her.

c. Return to the house and start World War III.

d. Go over the kids memory verses with them and somehow resist the urge to honk.

 

5. Your wife finally made it to the car, your faith in the miraculous is restored, and you

are on your way to Grace Community Church. Suddenly, while you are making a crucial left turn, a Presbyterian brother noses in front of you with his ‘78 green Camaro and CUTS YOU OFF. It’s time to:

a. Recognize this as one of those rare opportunities life’s classroom affords you to calmly demonstrate to the next generation that decency, brotherhood and self control are not only admirable, but attainable virtues.          

b. Follow him to the First Presbyterian parking lot and stuff a potato in his exhaust pipe.

c. Somehow find a way to blame your wife.

d. Go ahead and honk.

 

6. You are on your way home from the service, and your 8-year-old asks you why, if Solomon was so wise, did he have so many wives. You:

a. Go into a lengthy explanation of the cultural differences between ancient Israel and modern America, pointing out that many of the wives were merely tokens of the official policy of friendship and subservience between kingdoms and that they may have been married without ever seeing each other.

b. Look for a green Camaro.

c. Say, “Ask your mother.”

d. Admit that you don’t have all the answers. But when you get home you’re going to look into this one. Together.

 

7. After 13 agonizing years, you have finally reached the Annual Mixed Slow Pitch Church Softball Final. The rules require a minimum of 2 women to be on the field at all times. Five have shown up. You, the captain, decide to:

a. Sit on the bench, realizing that there are far more important things than baseball, that this could be a character-building event for all, and that each person should be treated as an equal, regardless of petty things like gender.

b. Hide their gloves.

c. Put three girls on the bench, the fourth at catcher, and the fifth at second base where three guys can rescue her should something awful occur such as a ball being hit in her direction.

d. Volunteer to sit on the bench and hope like crazy that one of the girls says something.

 

8. You are on your knees giving thanks for the new purchase, a late model minivan, complete with compact disk. The phone rings. It is your 18-year-old son calling from Biff’s Auto Repair to tell you that he has totalled the van. It’s time to:

a. Total the telephone.

b. Ask if the CD player still works.

c. Ask if the other vehicle was a green Camaro.

d. Ask your son if he’s okay.

 

9. If asked, you would describe yourself as:

a. Witty yet articulate, intelligent yet vulnerable, a good listener, a good shopper, able to follow recipes, comfortable tossing salads, comfortable in my numerous roles.

b. Able to bag a deer at two hundred yards.

c. Able to bag a deer at two hundred yards. Blindfolded. With a blow gun.

d. Tired.

 

10. Your life verse is:

a. Psalm 119:99, “I have more understanding than all my teachers.”

b. I Corinthians 9:27, “I buffet my body...,” something you have been doing for years now at fine restaurants everywhere.

c. I Timothy 2:11, “A woman should learn in quietness and full submission.”

d. Matthew 22:37, “...Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind...and...your neighbor as yourself.”

 

11. A friend confides in you that he has been tempted and has succumbed to the lure of pornography. You:

a. Tell him it’s no big deal, then change the subject.

b. Tell him you’re stunned, smack him with your Bible, then leave the room.

c. Tell him about your great uncle Hank who went blind from this.

d. Tell him your own story of failure and how you’re finding help and hope.

 

12. Your son Billy just hit a three-run homer to win the Little League Championship. This is remarkable considering that you don’t even have a son named Billy. But if you did, and he hit the game winner, you would:

a. Faint.

b. Console opposing team parents by patting their backs and saying, “Hey, second place isn’t all that bad.”

c. Congratulate the umpire on FINALLY calling a good game.

d. Run onto the field screaming, “That’s my kid! That’s my kid!”

 

How to score: First of all, you have to be willing to give 110 percent. Then you take a pass at the thirty yard line, hurdle the linebacker, run like crazy, lunge over the goal line, then go completely nuts. Uh oh, sorry there. Sometimes I get carried away. Seriously, give yourself one point for each time you picked “d,” deduct one point for each time you answered “c,” and add one quarter of a point for each “b” answer. If you are left with anything at all, this is usually a good sign. Please keep in mind that:

 

a. If there seems to be a discrepancy, you should determine the source of your error, then do a recount keeping in mind that while errors in counting are understandable, they are rare and could severely distort test results.

b. This quiz should not be used as a substitute or an excuse.

c. If you have taken the scoring process extremely seriously, this could seriously jeopardize your enjoyment of the rest of this book.

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